Mixed Emotions
by Lexie Jayne
Summary: Slight AU. Jondy doesn't hear from Zack and finally decides to face Max to find out what happened. JZM?
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: All X5s, except Chi, belong to James Cameron  
  
AN: Takes place right before BBWW  
  
Dedication: To Joy. Happy Birthday! This is one of the many birthday drafts I started for you – the finished product will be sent this weekend!  
  
MIXED EMOTIONS  
  
  
  
How many times did this happen? Jondy and Zack. He didn't admit it to himself, but he felt something for her. Something he never felt for anyone before, not even Max.  
  
Max would kill him if she found out. She had these bent ideas about her family and how they were all related and it was incest.  
  
Bust Max and Tinga had been lucky, to find norms. Jondy and Syl had both tired. Syl's experiences had driven her into Krit's arms and, now, him and Jondy…  
  
"We're banging each other."  
  
Zack chuckled to himself. Jondy's more discrete way of putting it.  
  
He watched her sleep – her hair spread like a fan over the pillow and a faint smile on her lips. She was gorgeous. Like Max, but so completely unlike Max, it made his head spin.  
  
Her skin was paper white, no matter how many hours she spent in the sun. She had these unnerving green eyes and full lips, reminiscant of Maxie. Her hair was spectacular – darkest brown at the roots and almost blonde at the tips. She was tall and slim, like a ballet dancer. She was sarcastic, sweet, offbeat, quiet, caring, humorous and completely unique. The second youngest, to Jace.  
  
She crashed one night every ten, and tonight was that night. Zack slipped out of bed into the cold night air, away from another X5 secret, away from another weakness.  
  
Onto another city, spending a night in a bar, keeping his ears open for news of Manticore, of Lydecker, of anything that might destroy what he had worked so had for. But at these bars he had to put up with one or two girls, wearing almost nothing, trying to do business with him. After the whole ordeal with Chi years ago, Zack viewed prostitutes as the lowest. These girls were desperate. Or morons. Or both. He usually paid them to leave him the hell alone.  
  
She turned up in one of those bars; more a club actually. Open mike night.  
  
//Gotta take a little time  
  
A little time to think things over  
  
Better read between the lines  
  
In case I need it when I'm older//  
  
She never aged – looked like a winsome teenager her whole life. Zack focused on her lips, her eyes, her beautiful shiny hair…  
  
//Gonna take a little time  
  
A little time to look around me  
  
Got nowhere left to hide  
  
Looks like love has finally found me  
  
In my life  
  
There's been heartache and pain  
  
I don't know if I can face it again//  
  
The song was so appropriate and sounded fantastic…Jondy was a brilliant singer.  
  
The song ended and the patrons clapped. She was good.  
  
She didn't come off stage and have a drink with him. She met him outside, in a back alley, wearing a skimpy top and a leather skirt…micro mini…  
  
Zack reached for her, kissing her roughly.  
  
"Missed you too," she purred, allowing him to pull her towards his flat. "How was I?"  
  
"Fantastic as always," Zack said. She pulled him into a back alley, tugging his face down to hers. His hands rested on her hips, guiding them forward slightly.  
  
"Mmm, how far away is your place?" she asked in a suggestive voice.  
  
"Two blocks."  
  
She nodded at him and somehow they made it back to his flat and into his bedroom. Zack was quite pleased when the leather skirt was discarded somewhere in the building. Jondy wouldn't care. She wore those clothes to tease him, not because she liked them.  
  
The clothes were discarded and Jondy lay back on the bed, eyes bright. No words were exchanged.  
  
Later on, Jondy propped herself on her elbow and gazed at him. Her hair fell freely around her face. She smiled at him, tracing his cheek.  
  
"I missed you," Zack said, pulling her closer, stroking her stomach.  
  
"I missed you too. I love you Zack," she said, resting her head against his shoulder. "When are you leaving?"  
  
"Tomorrow, I need to check on Max."  
  
Jondy nodded. "I'll head back to New York City then."  
  
"Come with me." Completely spontaneous remark and Zack knew he'd probably regret it in the near future.  
  
Jondy sat up, reaching for her clothes. Or what remained of them.  
  
"I can't Zack," she said. "Max'll hate me now, I've changed so much."  
  
"Into the woman I love," Zack finished. He was never this open with his feelings, even with her.  
  
"No, I don't want any special favours. Tell her I miss her and love her very much," Jondy said. Zack pulled her backwards, his hand running down her side and over her thighs.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I have another three chapters written, I just wanted to see if anyone was interested ( 


	2. Chapter One

This is set after Kidz and before Pollo Loco.  
  
  
  
Zack shouldn't worry about her. She was perfectly capable of looking after herself, especially these days; she wouldn't go near Max or Tinga, because of their precarious positions. But she never checked in after the Eyes Only bulletin – it had slipped his mind with Tinga getting in trouble and him and Max having to bail her out. Then, he had to get Tinga over into Canada with him…  
  
Zack dialed the voicemail again.  
  
"You have four new messages."  
  
"Friday 12th, 3:04 am… Zack, it's Syl. Krit and I are heading to Neveda. We'll call you with new contacts then."  
  
"Saturday 13th, 5:09 pm…Zack, it's Zane. Just making sure you're okay. I mean, you don't usually get Eyes Only to contact us. And you don't have to worry about Millie anymore…I, I uh left her in LA. Anyway, just checking in, big brother."  
  
"Saturday 13th, 5:11 pm…Zack, it's me. I'm heading to Oregon. I'll call again next week."  
  
"Sunday 14th, I:30 am…Zack, it's Krit. Change of plans. Syl and I got passes to Baja. We'll be there for a couple of weeks."  
  
Nothing. Not a word from her and he'd been at Manticore for almost three months.  
  
"Zack," Tinga appeared, rubbing her eyes. "Is everything okay? You've dialed the same number seven times."  
  
Zack looked up. Tinga always had excellent hearing and he had called his voicemail a lot of times.  
  
"Jondy hasn't checked in in almost four months. I'm worried about her."  
  
Tinga sat on the end of his bed. "Jondy? Four months…but I thought we all checked in when Eyes Only sent out that message?"  
  
Zack shook his head. "Jondy never checked in. It slipped my mind when Max and I went to get you."  
  
Tinga looked apologetic. "I'm sor…"  
  
"Don't apologise," Zack snapped. "If it wasn't you it would've been Max or Zane. In fact, I'm glad it wasn't Zane, because there would've been no way to get to him in time."  
  
Tinga nodded. "Where would Jondy be?" Tinga's voice was carefully trained to hide any emotion, but her eyes gave away the fear she felt.  
  
"Anywhere. I wouldn't know where to start looking – California, Mexico, New York, Hawaii…"  
  
"Max is in Seattle, right?" Tinga said gently. "Would Jondy somehow know that and go there?"  
  
"She knows where all of you are. She knows where Max is. There is no way Jondy would go to Seattle," Zack said.  
  
"But if she knows Max is there…" Tinga trailed off. "Explain it slowly Zack."  
  
"Jondy has this …fear that Max will hate who she is now. She won't go near her under any circumstances," Zack shook his head. "She was probably captured. She probably didn't make it out of San Francisco…"  
  
"Zack, stop." Tinga stood up. "Think about it. Remember the time that both you and Max spent three weeks in the infirmary after that shrapnel went off nearby? Who took over? Jondy. And Eva was annoyed for weeks, because she wanted to be CO."  
  
"Lydecker liked Jondy because she was close to Max."  
  
"And Jondy was more qualified than Eva. Eva's temper always got her into trouble. Jondy has been CO and I know I consider her SIC. Stop worrying like a little old woman and get some sleep," Tinga said, turning and leaving the room. Just as she turned around, a pillow hit her in the face.  
  
"What was that for?"  
  
"I do not worry like an old woman."  
  
Tinga smirked. "As long as you believe that, big brother."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Jondy walked along the streets in New York City, watching out. A cigarette dangled from her right hand; more for show than anything else. Jondy didn't smoke; none of the X5s did. Well, except Chi, but she always was exception to the rule. Cigarettes didn't harm X5s.  
  
Night in post-Pulse New York City was fascinating – the hookers, the dealers, the people. Her long brown hair had been cut several inches and held in place by some pins. Tight black paints and red tank top. Civilian clothes.  
  
Zack had vanished from the face of the Earth. Jondy knew when he didn't call her back, something was up. So, as far as Jondy was concerned, she was playing CO, like a little girl played dress ups in her mother's clothes.  
  
"The cat has come out to play," came a hiss. Jondy looked up. It had been too quiet for anyone else to hear...one of her siblings. And Jondy knew exactly who it was.  
  
She slipped into the alley, throwing her untouched cigarette to the ground, stepping on it.  
  
"Haven't spoken in a while, Ben," she said, turning around to see her brother standing there.  
  
"Zack cut me off. Thought you of all people would've heard that," Ben shrugged.  
  
He was good looking, Jondy admitted. Gorgeous eyes. Black shirt, jeans and a silver cross on a chain.  
  
"The Blue Lady," Jondy whispered, stepping closer to him and reaching for the necklace.  
  
"You still believe, Jondy?"  
  
"Zack's scared of what'll happen if he believes in her. Mem believed in her and she's been dead ten years. And Jack. And Eva. And Mira and Del. They all believed in her, Ben."  
  
"They weren't worthy, Jay. Come on – let me buy you dinner."  
  
They had dinner in a Chinese restaurant and Jondy had a great time, managing to push Zack to the back of her mind.  
  
Then Ben suggested she crash at his place. Jondy agreed to this plan.  
  
Ben pounced on her like she was in heat.  
  
"Get off me!" she yelled, half-throwing him against the wall. Ben crouched there, blood on his face, watching her with smoldering eyes.  
  
"When was the last time you went into heat, Jondy? Four months ago?" he asked, growling slightly. Jondy regretted throwing him near the door; she had no escape route.  
  
"And you think raping me is the way to go?" Jondy demanded. "Wonderful. Damnit, Ben, I know why Zack cut you off."  
  
She moved towards the doorway, but Ben moved so suddenly…his hand cracked against her skull and she collapsed against him.  
  
She woke up several hours later, lying on a cot, in a dark room. Not the apartment. Jondy sat up, touching her clothes, thankfully realizing Ben hadn't tried anything.  
  
"Good morning little sister," Ben appeared, carrying a paper bag. "Quite a knock on the head. You had a concussion. In the bag are some clean clothes, some personal items you might need, some aspirin and rations. You have one hour."  
  
Jondy was bewildered. He had her in a tiny room, with a cot, a sink and a dingy mirror, and a lamp.  
  
The clothes he had left were very simple – black pants, white tank top, black coat, combat boots and clean underwear. A hair brush and hair bands, a toothbrush and toothpaste. A packet of aspirin. A bottle of water and an apple.  
  
Jondy stared at the items. Her own clothes were dirty, blood stained and torn.  
  
She stood up, shaking, and took two aspirin. She changed her cloths slowly and pulled her hair off her face.  
  
'There's no reason I should be scared. This is my brother Ben,' Jondy convinced herself. 'He won't hurt me.' But there was this terrible sense of fear in her mind. That she had had a choice and she'd made the wrong one. She had no idea where Zack was. She was alone with someone Zack had given up on…who had tried to rape her.  
  
She slipped out of the room, and saw Ben tying three people to a chairs – a man, a little girl about nine and a young woman.  
  
"Ben, what are you doing?" Jondy asked, grabbing his shoulder.  
  
He span around, slapping her hard. "Don't pull rank on me, baby sister." Jondy brought a knee up, his stomach making a crunch noise.  
  
"Let them go, Ben," Jondy demanded. "They are innocent." The little girl looked a little like Max. The man looked similar to Ben himself.  
  
"You want to play?" Ben grinned. "I knew you'd understand, Jay. Help me untie them."  
  
She was too trusting. The minute she leant over the child, Ben jabbed something in her throat. She went sprawling, her vision blurring…  
  
She awoke on a dock, a gun beside her, soaked in blood. It was pouring rain. She leapt to her feet, her hands shaking.  
  
"Ben?" she screamed, over the rain. Nothing. She grabbed the gun and began running. Adrenaline pumping and her heart rate was up a lot. Thunder and lightening crashed as she tried to find somewhere dry.  
  
"Ben, help me!" she screamed again, knowing it was Ben's 'game'.  
  
Someone was behind her. Ben. Shoot to wound, the leg, Jondy though, spinning and shooting.  
  
It wasn't Ben, it was a girl, and Jondy's shaking cause her to miss, hitting the girl near the heart. She screamed and collapsed onto the pavement.  
  
Jondy was at the child's side in an instant, trying to examine the wound in the rain.  
  
"You'll be okay," Jondy promised, the tears on her cheeks mixing with rain.  
  
"I want mama," she said faintly.  
  
Jondy peeled off her coat and pushed it under the girl's head. When she brushed the girl's neck, the child screamed and tried to wriggle away from Jondy.  
  
"Leave me…" the girl's eyes lolled shut. "Mama."  
  
Jondy sat there in the rain, gazing at the child. Holding her tight as her breathing slowed and she died. Blood pooling on the concrete.  
  
Jondy rolled the girl over; remembering the pain she'd been in when Jondy touched her neck.  
  
A barcode. 332960073452. Max's barcode.  
  
Jondy leapt to her feet, willing herself to calm down. Something was not right. This seemed more like a horrific nightmare than anything remotely real.  
  
A figure appeared at the corner of the building, dressed in army fatiques. Ben, Jondy made out faint details from where she was.  
  
She picked up her gun and shot Ben in the head, watching his body drop to the cold pavement.  
  
//Good, now I can go and find somewhere to spend the night.// Jondy tucked the gun in her waistband and stood up, calmer now that she knew Ben was out of action. He was a freaky lunatic.  
  
Jondy stood up and began walking, barely being able to see through the rain. She shivered slightly and then moved towards a warehouse.  
  
Suddenly, the dark haired woman appeared, screaming and crying. Gun in hand.  
  
"You murdered my daughter!" she screamed at Jondy. "You murdered her!" The woman fumbled with her gun, aiming it at Jondy.  
  
The bullet grazed Jondy's side and in a fit of emotion, Jondy shot at the woman. She was dead before she hit the ground…  
  
Jondy stumbled into the warehouse, sinking to the concrete floor, tears running down her face.  
  
"What the hell is going on, Ben?" she screamed, almost forgetting she had killed him just minutes ago. Not that she believed that was him she actually killed.  
  
"Don't you understand, Jondy?" Ben asked, appearing, completely dry. "You're showing your true instincts."  
  
"What?" Jondy asked.  
  
Ben laughed to himself and walked out into the rain, stepping over the woman's body.  
  
  
  
The next morning, Jondy went and stole some clean, dry clothes and went to buy breakfast – a five dollar coffee and a newspaper.  
  
It was the headline of the paper that made her feel ill. 'Family Brutally Murdered'. A child and her parents. All three were found shot point blank with barcode tattoos on their necks. What was confusing the authorities was that all three barcodes were different and no one could work out what each stood for…the child had Max's barcode, she knew that. But the man's barcode had been 331845739493…Ben's barcode. Then whose barcode did the woman have…  
  
332340090210.  
  
The woman's barcode was 332340090210. Jondy almost screamed. The horror of the last 24 hours was still with her and …  
  
Ben was murdering people. She understood why Zack cut him off. Jondy closed her eyes. But in this case, Jondy had murdered an entire family. A massacre.  
  
It took a few seconds, but her common sense won over. Lydecker would come to New York City now, he would recognize Max's barcode anywhere.  
  
Jondy needed to get out of the city ASAP. She threw down money for her coffee and walked away from the café in search of her bike.  
  
Where the hell was Zack?  
  
  
  
AN: I know this chapter probably seems out of place at the moment, but it makes sense soon enough. If you are interested in me continuing this, please review.  
  
And check out 'Strange Fruit' by Ashantai. That story is what inspired me to start writing again, I had a near to permanent writer's block there for a while. 


	3. Chapter Two

Author's Note: Yay! New chapter. This whole fic is being pieced together slowly. There will be a new chapter this weekend for this, yay! And probably 8 chapters in all.  
  
Feedback is deeply cherished forever and ever. Please review, you'll make my day.  
  
  
  
Jondy lay on her bed, in the cramped little flat in San Fransisco, staring up at the roof. She hadn't been back here since before her last Zack encounter. She'd come back here, to this flat, to find her home completely ransacked - everything was pulled out or moved - glasses and plates smashed, glass bottles of Trytophan and other meds smashed across the kitchen lino, her clothes strewned over the whole apartment, the electricity and phone wire cut. Mirrors smashed, mattress pulled off her bed.  
  
It had taken her three days to sort out the flat, to make it habitable again. Gave her some time to just think, but not be completely idle with thoughts - usually these thoughts were focused around those few days in New York City and her big brother Ben.  
  
But now, the flat was back to normal - Jondy had even bothered to fix the lock on the door; it had been broken since she moved in. In fact, in some ways, the whole flat wasn't right any more. It felt too clean and too new.  
  
The paint on the roof was peeling, Jondy noticed, sitting up. Rain poured down, hitting the window. Rain.like that night in NYC.  
  
Jondy leapt to her feet, padding out to the kitchen, needing to move around but not having anywhere to go; she had no job - the bar she used to work at was now closed and she hadn't gotten around to searching out for a new job in a different district. She had some cash left for rent and food, but there wasn't anywhere to go.  
  
Anyways, those people who trashed her place might come back and this time, she was prepared - there were three guns hidden around the kitchen area alone.  
  
She went to the fridge, in search of something to eat and eyed her calendar.how long had it been since Zack had spoken to her.just before he headed to Seattle for the third time.five months, give or take a week or two.  
  
This wasn't right. Five months was too long - even if he wasn't sleeping with her, he checked in every two months. Rubbing her head, Jondy, slipped into her room. She'd left it here when she left last, but with them trashing the place, it might have gone.  
  
She pulled a drawer out of her bureau and emptied the contents on the bed - papers, some money held together with a hair clasp, some fake I.D. cards and some random bullets.  
  
Turning the empty drawer upside down, Jondy grinned; a piece of paper was stuck to it. Grabbing her pocket knife, she cut the paper away and turned it over.  
  
Scrawled across it were seven uncommonly long pager numbers. The last three digits, were each of her siblings designations - Zack was paranoid that if someone else managed to get the list, they would've be able to work out the actual numbers.  
  
Jondy sighed and grabbed a pen, scratching out Ben's pager and Brin's pager. Jondy doubted she'd ever talk to Ben again and Brin.Brin's reprogramming was still painful for everyone.  
  
So she started dialling. She tried Tinga's number three times, but apparently, it no longer existed. Syl and Krit were both out of range. Zane's worked. Zack's didn't exist.  
  
Jondy didn't try the last number on the list. Seattle was still part of a military state, after all.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~* Jondy jerked awake, suddenly. Her window was open, rain pouring in. The spring in the window was old, and it usually opened by itself, unless she stuck a nail in the top. The back of her tank top was soaking wet.  
  
It was 1 am. She'd crashed hard after watching some TV. Just threw everything back in the drawer and dumped it at the end of the bed, crawling under the covers and falling asleep. She hadn't slept this much since her last heat cycle.  
  
Walking into the kitchen, in search of a dry pair of pyjamas and a nail for that damned window, Jondy heard her cell phone go off. Zack.  
  
She raced into the bedroom, rifling through the pile of stuff on the end of her bed.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Jondy, is that you? It's Syl."  
  
Jondy slumped in disappointment against the wall. "Hey, where are you? Have you heard from Zack?"  
  
Silence. Jondy could hear muffled whispers over the phone. "Syl? What's the matter?"  
  
"Hey, baby sister," Krit's voice came over the phone.  
  
"Krit. What the hell is going on?" Jondy said, in her best CO voice.  
  
"There's been." his voice faded off. "Some fatalities."  
  
Jondy froze. "Who. When. Why. How."  
  
"Tinga was recaptured and killed. We went to blow up Manticore, and we got the DNA labs, baby sister," Krit said, his voice slightly shaky. "They can't make any more X-soldiers without the DNA labs."  
  
"Krit, who were the fatalities?" Jondy yelled, resisting the urge to throw her phone across the room.  
  
"M-Maxie was KIA," Krit said softly. "And."  
  
"And?" Jondy asked, closing her eyes.  
  
"Zack is MIA at Manticore."  
  
The phone slipped out of her hand, falling towards the bed, and shutting, hanging up on Krit and Syl in Seattle.  
  
Jondy reached across to the night table, and jammed the window shut with her biro, curling up on her bed, willing sleep to overcome her.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The harsh light of day. That sentence never made much sense to Jondy until now. She woke up, her whole body aching, her tank top clammy, to the sun pouring through the window, directly onto her face.  
  
It had been raining three days straight, yet, today, the day she found out about Zack and Max and Tinga, it was beautifully sunny.  
  
"Baby sister."  
  
Jondy jumped, rolling over, to see Zane standing in the doorway. "Damnit, Zane, make noise," she snapped, flopping back onto her pillow, squeezing her eyes shut.  
  
"I got the call straight after you, Jon. I know. Syl explained it all. There's only seven out of twelve left of us," Zane motioned for Jondy to wriggle over, and he lay down next to her.  
  
"Seven? Eight, you mean," Jondy said, resting her head against his shoulder.  
  
"No - you, me, Chi, Mish, Tawny, Syl and Krit," Zane said.  
  
"And Ben,"  
  
"Ben's dead too, Jon."  
  
For some reason, Jondy relaxed when he said that. She still had nightmares about him and that family. The screaming kind of nightmare you can't escape until you've seen or experienced the absolute worst.  
  
"How'd Ben die?" Jondy asked softly.  
  
"Found outside Seattle with a broken neck," Zane sighed. "It was the work of an X5. Zack didn't tell me much."  
  
"You saw Zack?"  
  
"Yeah, straight after the EO message. He checked on me, Syl and Krit, then he had to help Tinga and Maxie out."  
  
"EO message?" Eyes Only irritated Jondy for some reason. Usually because he always interrupted the punch line of whatever she was watching.  
  
"Yeah, when we were compromised - you, me, Tinga and Krit, I think - our barcodes were shown. Remember?" Zane was sitting up now, looking concerned.  
  
"I didn't see any messages concerning us from EO," Jondy said. "After I saw Zack, I went to NYC, with a detour of New Orleans."  
  
Zane ran his hand through his hair. "And when you came back here, everything was the same?"  
  
Jondy's eyes widened. "The whole place was trashed, electricity and phone lines cut."  
  
"Damnit, you were luck, Jon. When Zack got out of Manticore, he."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Jeez, for the SIC, you sure have been out of the loop."  
  
"I've been in NYC - with Ben." Jondy looked at her hands, and that's all Zane needed to know.  
  
"It's okay, baby sister. We're gonna deal." He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her like none of her siblings had in years.  
  
"We are," Jondy echoed, resting her head on his shoulder. 


End file.
